Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
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Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Lmfaoooooo
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No