What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
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kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me