I think my husband is beginning to suspect
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A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Denise please return my vape pen
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.