I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
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I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing