Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
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Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope