[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
A couple who are silly together stay together.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*