why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
You Might Also Like
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”