[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
You Might Also Like
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?