Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
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If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
termite twitter scares me
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Netflix and you sit over there.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover