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Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
A roof is a house hat.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]