Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
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Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.