Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
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[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.