[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
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Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
same energy
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?