It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
You Might Also Like
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
#Caturday
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees