me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
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I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does