“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
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Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”