Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
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*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.