[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
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FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
when dads have a rap battle
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.