Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
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My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
no refunds
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
*mops up wine with cat*
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.