Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
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I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Oh my God.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!