You Might Also Like
umm…
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”