Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
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I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt