[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
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doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
it must be school picture day
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.