Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
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When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Worlds greatest photobomb
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”