You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
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Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
yes… yes…
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.