Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
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Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
WHY?!
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house