My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
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I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Don’t forget to tip your server
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Seek kebab; not attention
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.