“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
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[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.