One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
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age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I feel seen.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.