I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
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Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Finally a use for spoilers…
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Need WebMD
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
it must be school picture day
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.