Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
You Might Also Like
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.