Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
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Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Just had my nails done!
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Krampus.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My five year plan is a meteorite
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
spot the difference
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares