Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
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Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK