Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
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God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I triple waxed for this?
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.