Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
You Might Also Like
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?