no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
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HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
🤣🤣🤣
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!