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lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
This took me a second..
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.