°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
You Might Also Like
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
#titanic
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.