The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
You Might Also Like
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.