INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
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Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
This is why I hate group projects