ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
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ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
it’s the silliest best thing
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.