Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
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The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!