saw this in a dream
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If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I hope I鈥檓 not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I鈥檓 probably not.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don鈥檛 ask which one were they.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
me: can we please find out when we鈥檒l be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we鈥檒l be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
This will forever be the funniest thing I鈥檝e seen
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Her: There鈥檚 a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That鈥檚 a foot. Make it land on the spider.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I think this should do it.
shout out to anyone that鈥檚 used a tube of super glue more than once
I hope my company doesn’t馃槀馃槀
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
If you鈥檝e already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 馃惄 馃惄馃惄馃惄馃惄馃惄
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Truth
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Me: Hope it鈥檚 ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?