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Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
He’s cranky this morning
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19