Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
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Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.