GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
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I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Muppet Screams
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Social distancing in Australia:
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.