Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
You Might Also Like
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology