I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
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How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*