friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
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I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.