“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
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my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Yeah. This was me today.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
PLEASE READ
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
time for some seasonal decor
Social Media and Real life
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.